The scientists at The Baloney are at it again! We have finally determined the root cause of all evil, and it’s staring us right in the face (if you are holding up a mirror).
Ever since homo sapiens crawled out of their dirty mud holes, they have been RUINING EVERYTHING. While the self-named “humans” claim to be the most “evolved” of all creatures, other species have less than kind words.
“Nobody likes them. They are messy and they don’t even have tails. It’s quite sad, really.” said one indignant lemur.
Indeed, even the humans themselves have adapted a borderline masochistic stance on the issues, taking an almost perverted pleasure in foretelling the inevitable collapse of all society as we know it. Yes, the coming apocalypse has never been so trendy, and the easiest way to prompt sympathetic allegiance nowadays is the self-hating environmental approach.
The term “carbon footprint” has been the hot jargon of the decade. Everyone knows that carbon is bad. Do we all know what it is? No, probably not. But do we know it is bad? Yes. Anything with the word “carb” in it HAS to be bad, right? Right.
Here are 5 ways to reduce your own carbon or “ecological” footprint and stop being such a human glob of polluting scum:
*Tip* Complain loudly of how outraged you are…it works!
Driving is bad. Driving cars; bad. Driving trucks; worse. Driving your private jet; terrible! If you want to get around and not KILL THE ENVIRONMENT, try biking. Wait, no, scratch that. Biking promotes the production of steel, rubber, and a whole multitude of other earth-poisoning materials. Don’t bike. Try…walking? But not in shoes, unless they are not from man-made materials. So plastic is out. Leather is okay! Unless an animal was BRUTALLY MURDERED, you heartless psychopath! But if the animal say, died of natural causes after a long and happy life, and gave you express written consent to use its lifeless corpse as fabric for your shoes, then go ahead.
2. Using Light.
Are you sitting in a well-lit room? What are you doing??? Turn off those lights, you monster! Are you reading this from a lit computer screen? Turn off your computer! Turn off everything, actually. Just unplug it all. Open all your windows and embrace the sun (unless it’s night time, in which case you’re screwed)! Worship and praise the sun! Run naked through the streets!
3. Eating Food.
Did you know that an estimated 13% of greenhouse gas emissions result in the production and transport of food??? Put down that sandwich now! Don’t even get me started on meat and farming. Basically eating any meat or dairy product is the same as stabbing the heart of the planet with a sharp 4-pronged fork. Growing your own food is better, but every time you eat you are going to defecate, which also contributes carbon emissions…so it’s best to avoid the whole thing entirely.
4. Buying Things.
This one is especially important. New things are the devil’s work. Luckily, you can make use out of everything you already have if you get a little creative. That old pop bottle? Now it’s a home for your pet cockroach! That sweater your baby outgrew? Now it’s a small bed for the rats in your basement! Those toenail clippings and dead skin? Now it’s organic glitter for your Christmas cards!
Over the past 40 years, the population of the planet has nearly doubled! This means that millions of people are now “extras”, and contributing needless amounts of harmful CO2 and poisoning the environment. Simple human respiration does this! Try breathing less, to lower your impact, or holding your breath for as long as you can. Did you pass out? Good. Now next time, longer.
Tis the season to panic.
This year’s health scare has been warmly embraced, and is sure to be a hot topic during the approaching Christmas season. Thanks to the media’s fear-mongering tactics, the anxiety over Ebola has spread as quickly as the virus hasn’t.
The misinformation has cultivated and grown to an epidemic state; acting very much like the contagion itself has not.
“Oh, it’s awful. The government really needs to get a hold of things,” said Sherry Wonder absentmindedly when her equally ignorant friend brought up the news, “Oh look! A sale on bed linens!”
Others have taken a more optimistic approach. Senior citizen Sal Goldburg reports that “He’s seen this coming all along,” and “This is what today’s youth get for their unholy ways.” he nods self-assuredly, as his nurse spoons rice pudding into his mouth.
At present time, medical professionals recommend taking all possible precautions to avoid exposure to the virus. “Don’t even Google it,” urges Tod Jameson, frequent watcher of Grey’s Anatomy.
1. Your BFF’s poor zombie hygiene.
Umm, hello? You have some blood on your face. No, not there, the other side. Well, yes, there too actually. You know what? It’s just all over you, Stacy. You’re a mess.
She used to let you borrow her clothes and buy everyone a round of tequila shots. Now, she’s only interested in finding a source of edible human flesh…boring!
Still, you are basically sisters, so you bite your tongue, and hope that she doesn’t bite your tongue off.
Red may not be her colour, but BFF means FOREVER…even beyond the grave.
2. Unrealistic beauty standards.
I know the Skeletons rule the planet now, but like, they totally portray an unattainable look.
Sure, the scarce food supply makes it easy to lose weight, and you’re starving most nights, but it’s just not fair to be compared to our skinless masters.
Ugh, and the hunger pains… still, pain is beauty!
3. Finding the perfect apartment.
We get it; the housing market just isn’t that great now that all businesses have collapsed and most of the population is dead or undead. But is it too much to ask to find a nice, affordable place downtown?
We’re not asking for much. Just 3 to 4 walls, really. You would even be willing to deal with a blood-craving landlord (aren’t they all?). Just a low, fixed rent and maybe a tarp or something to protect from the acid rain and torrents of venomous flies.
4. Deadbeat guys. Literally.
It’s a tough dating scene out there. It’s not bad enough that 80% of mankind was wiped out, how are you supposed to find a partner now? Though technically safest to travel alone now, the only kind you can pick-up now wants to pick you out of their teeth! Sure, Zombie Ryan Reanolds has still got it going on, but for the must part, the undead are just so…deceased.
5. Social life? Social death.
When you aren’t foraging for scraps to brave off impending starvation, or fighting off cantankerous carnivore neighbors, things are pretty dull.
It can get pretty boring, when your only social life consists of a murderous roommate and a pack of wolves you chased off with a stick. You have to find ways to have fun and stave off the constant crushing pressure of your impending doom! So you distract yourself watching the explosions in the distance, and softly sobbing into your hands.
Rejoice, and submit to the inexhaustible supply of distraction, coming at you in 140 characters or less. Open your mouths and enjoy the tasty, easily digestible morsels of empty words and factory-produced facts.
Revel in the abundance of self-affirming mumbo-jumbo that swaddles and cradles you softly cooing that everything is going to be okay.
Embrace the careful grooming of your psyche, and prepare to obey the cravings as they come. Salivate over the juicy headlines and latest version of the iPhone. Satiate yourself with the content, the glorious content that fills in your cracks, removing the need for free thought.
Journalism has died; now content is king.
Researchers at Wreal University have just discovered what may prove to be the biggest break-through in the science of petty squabble history: the “Rightness Factor”
Finally, couples engaged in bitter rivalries, with quarrels spanning the length of several days can put an end to their disagreements once and for all.
Up until now, there has been no known way of measuring who really was incontestably correct. Couples have had to instead rely on measures such as the “He-Said, She-Said” method.
“The He-Said-She-Said method of debate has always been the default for disagreeing partners in the past,” explains researcher Max Perplexus, “but it had the weakness of never really delivering any concrete verdict. Basically this previous model would create an infinite loop of what one partner believed to be true, versus what the contradicting opinion was. This would render any argument unsolvable. In cases where both parties rank equally on the stubborn scale, consequences can be disastrous, leading to brutalities like the silent treatment and even break-ups.”
So what is this spectacular finding? Much investigation still has to go into this Rightness Factor, but scientists have now, at long last, identified the source of this vital element. What our esteemed researchers do now know?
“It seems to be exclusive to the female species.”
Late last night at a popular downtown coffee shop, well known for its free-trade brews and tattooed baristas, local artist Jad Duncan almost had the sale of a lifetime. When new-to-towners Angela and Brad came in to try the much talked about gluten-free cinnamon scones, they reportedly spent well over three minutes perusing the latest pieces of Duncan’s collection which hang somewhat obtrusively on the exposed brick walls of the establishment.
“They were definitely interested,” says Jad, who stealthily watched the couple from behind a copy of Rant Magazine, the local indie free-press. “While they waited for their espressos, I could see them murmuring things to each other and the woman gestured at least once to one of the paintings.”
The self-proclaimed “neoclassic-expressionist” debut his series of acrylic representations of 80’s sitcom propaganda only three short weeks ago, and has since been spotted with a laptop sitting in a dark corner of the cafe every night sipping the complementary lemon water offered by the establishment for hours on end.
Said one barista, “Sometimes he will buy a small coffee, and then we know he’s going to be at the table for at least 6 hours.”
To date, Duncan has sold zero paintings, but is allegedly “really focusing more on his writing now anyway” and should have his screenplay finished “any day now”.
So you’re basic, huh? Of course you are. Look at you, probably reading this on your MacBook right now, aren’t you? Or if not a Mac, then some other well-known PC brand with a proven positive reputation? So basic. Did you drink Starbucks or a beverage from another convenient location today? How pathetic. Clearly you are basic, and therefore an uninspired or interesting person.
“The only thing worse than enjoying enjoyable things, is spreading that enjoyment around.”
Want to differ yourself? Of course you do. If you want to distance yourself from such basic banalities, it is important that you reject and even scorn all that is inherently likable.
Thus, we present a few essential tips:
- Don’t enjoy things. Receiving pleasure from widely-agreed upon pleasant things is basic. A hearty, home-cooked meal? Basic. The twinkle in your newborn cousin’s eye as he laughs for the first time? Basic. The majestic beauty that is nature? So basic.
- Don’t capture these wonderful moments, don’t even recognize them. DEFINITELY don’t share them with your friends and family on social media…because the only thing worse than enjoying enjoyable things, is spreading that enjoyment around. The worst.
- If you were unlucky enough to be born or raised alongside a number of other similarly privileged people, you have no-doubt been exposed to the basic need for consumerism. Exchanging money for goods and services is the very core of being basic, and therefore should be avoided at all costs. Show the world how un-basic and special you are by talking to anyone who will listen (or even if they won’t) about boycotting chain stores, or at least scoff and complain loudly while you shop at them.
- Appearance. This one is tricky, because the key to an un-basic appearance is a deliberately differing yourself from the pack, whilst simultaneously looking as though your uniqueness is not deliberate. Make sure you set aside enough time to put a lot of thought into picking out the perfect look that tells people “This look had no thought or time put into it”.
Basic people are everywhere nowadays, and are the epitome of everything that is generally aspired to. They live happy, average lives that people in many parts of the world would die for. They show little concern for intentionally setting themselves apart, demonstrating their deep-seated, dare we say “human” desire for community.
To avoid being basic, you must disregard anything remotely popular, therefore distinguishing yourself as one who possesses a higher level of taste…while also not showing any regard for doing so…
Because there is NOTHING more basic than trying not be basic.