Your May Horoscope, Unveiled

They say April showers bring May flowers, but who are “they”, anyway? Meteorologists? Biologists? Pshh.

This month, the stars tell a different story… and flora ain’t the only thing those April rains have brought…

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It’s written in the stars.

TAURUS: Taurus season comes to an end on the 20th. And like the end of most seasons, you can expect a lot of muddy water and picked-through items on clearance. Be true to your Earth sign by recycling some old ideas at work. Especially if it’s at the end of a long meeting. Remember, one-hundred-and-twelve-time’s the charm!

LEO: You are feeling fast and furious this month! Try driving without a seatbelt for a special surprise.

LIBRA: That itch to explore unknown paths is back this month. However, you might want to rethink your inclination to take the one less traveled. You know how you are with directions. Mapquest can only help so much.

CANCER: You will probably get cancer this month. But hey, you had to have seen this one coming, right?

SCORPIO: Like the weeds, love is blooming for you. Keep an eye out for new relationships this month – it’s never too late to ruin someone’s life with your presence!

GEMINI: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Unfortunately, it’s also the last day of your life. Sorry about that.

SAGITTARIUS: You can re-tweet all you want, no one will ever love you. Maybe it’s time to worry less about your followers, and follow your heart? Just kidding – stick to format jokes.

CAPRICORN: Feeling unappreciated at work? Don’t despair – you deserve even less appreciation, so you’re actually doing pretty well.

PISCES: Like your fish sign, this month will be damp and smelly – and we’re not just talking about the weather. Invest in some Febreze or at least take a shower, you’re worrying your neighbours.

AQUARIUS: You will be pooped on by a bird. This is not good luck. It’s just poop.

VIRGO: Expect many changes this month; they will come at you quickly. If you thought your life sucked before, prepare to be disappointed.

ARIES: Resilient and hardworking, you know how to get things done this month. No matter how far-out your ideas may be, you always find ways to make them work. Unfortunately, some other asshole will take credit for them.



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