I Could Steal Your Laptop.

Have you ever been in a coffee shop or something and someone you don’t know asks you to watch their stuff while they run to the washroom?

I always love that they trust me, a stranger, to protect their expensive shit from other strangers. The logic here is that after sitting silently next to me for five minutes, I am more dependable than someone they’ve sat silently next to for zero minutes. Meanwhile, they’ve basically given me a timeline for their absence, so I know exactly how long I have to steal their laptop. I wonder if they also tell strangers when and how long they’ll be on vacation, for the duration of which they will be leaving their doors unlocked and their security system turned off.

When I leave my stuff alone, I don’t tell anyone anything. Am I going to the washroom? Number one or number two? Am I going to order another coffee? Am I going outside to take a lengthy phone call? They can’t know. That way, I could return at any moment and catch the thieving bastards. What I’m saying is, it’s important to maintain an air of mystery and also to never trust people, ever.

Also, I’m not really comfortable entering into this agreement with you, stranger. I didn’t come here to get tied down. This is not in my sitting-here-drinking-coffee job description. I will not sign any documents or abide to this social contract you are proposing. Does that make me afraid of commitment? Sure, maybe. But I’ve never seen anything wrong with rejecting commitment when it’s not mutually beneficial. I commit to my career based on the understanding that I am compensated through my salary. What am I getting out of this arrangement of being your bag guard? A warm sense of community?

Then again, if I said no to these proposals I wouldn’t have all these free laptops, would I?


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