10 Things More Interesting Than The New Royal Baby

It’s bad enough that your newsfeed is constantly being bombarded with endless photo albums of that girl you talked to once in high school’s newborn as everyone applauds its ability to blink and poop, now we have to see it on the news?
Instead, here are some “fun” factoids to wake your brain from the Duchess doldrums.

1. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

How crazy is that? This means, even if pigs could fly, they wouldn’t be able to watch each other. Sad. Why are we wasting our time caring about the birth of some infant who doesn’t even have the new iPhone, when we could be building some sort of system of mirrors for pigs to correct this injustice?

Pigs hate airline travel just as much as the rest of us.
Pigs hate airline travel just as much as the rest of us.

 2. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

What? First of all, how many ducks are ever in a position where they would even encounter a possibility of an echo? Are cave-ducks a thing I didn’t know about? Secondly, why are we not studying this phenomenon deeper? Get some scientists on that STAT.

It's okay, baby duck. I care about your plight.
It’s okay, baby duck. I care about your plight.

 3. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

This is why we have earwax, fortunately. It secretes out of your ear canal to flush out harmful bacteria, similarly to how your snot works. Fun stuff, no? Your ears are smart and self-cleaning, so be careful not to push that Q-Tip in too far or you could very well puncture your eardrum, dummy.

4. Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.

I’m not sure why this is particularly important or useful information, but it’s worth noting, in case you are ever involved in detecting a series of tongue-related crimes.

miley
FACT: Tongue crimes have risen 300% since 2013. Thanks a LOT, Miley.

5. On average, half of all false teeth have some form of radioactivity.

This is great to know, as it may account for grandpa’s strange behaviour, and give you a credible excuse not to kiss him this Christmas. It’s also the reason why old people glow in the dark. Does the Royal Baby have radioactive teeth? No. She doesn’t even have teeth yet.

You're not fooling anyone, Uncle Jim.
You’re not fooling anyone, Uncle Jim.

6. Every year about 98% of atoms in your body are replaced.

This means, in theory, every year you become almost a completely different person. Which is nice, because most of us are probably kind of dicks to begin with, so we could definitely use a refresh. This is always my New Years resolution, so it’s nice to know that my body is taking care of it so that I can focus on more important things to me, like perfecting my text-ignoring skills.

7. The porpoise is second to man as the most intelligent animal on the planet.

You hear that, dolphins? Nobody is impressed with your fancy jumping skills. Porpoises deserve some credit, the same way your ugly cousin deserves some recognition for getting first place in the science fair. They may not be as glamorous, but at least they don’t need someone to change their diapers. That’s why I have a porpoise tattooed on my ankle, with the caption “believe”. That, and I was really drunk.

Nice baby, Kate. But can it beg for sardines?
Nice baby, Kate. But can it beg for sardines?

8. The lifespan of a squirrel is about nine years.

I’ve lived over two squirrel lifetimes. Isn’t that something? Certainly more interesting than a woman at the peak of her fertility fulfilling her genetic obligation.

Squirrel obesity is nothing to joke about, and can reduce that 9 years substantially.
Squirrel obesity is nothing to joke about, and can reduce that 9 years substantially.

9. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

I can’t confirm this, because I would never buy raisins (or as I call them, fruit jerky), but if you drink enough champagne you can pretend to be interested in the announcement of another addition to one of the millions of infants that are born every day.

And finally…

10. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

So let’s all agree that, while it’s great for Kate Middleton to be making a family, we can’t even be entirely sure that this kid IS hers, so maybe we should focus on more important things. Like designing a pair of less disgusting headphones.

But in all seriousness, congrats on the new little one.
But in all seriousness, congrats on the new little one.
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