The scientists at The Baloney are at it again! We have finally determined the root cause of all evil, and it’s staring us right in the face (if you are holding up a mirror).
Ever since homo sapiens crawled out of their dirty mud holes, they have been RUINING EVERYTHING. While the self-named “humans” claim to be the most “evolved” of all creatures, other species have less than kind words.
“Nobody likes them. They are messy and they don’t even have tails. It’s quite sad, really.” said one indignant lemur.
Indeed, even the humans themselves have adapted a borderline masochistic stance on the issues, taking an almost perverted pleasure in foretelling the inevitable collapse of all society as we know it. Yes, the coming apocalypse has never been so trendy, and the easiest way to prompt sympathetic allegiance nowadays is the self-hating environmental approach.
The term “carbon footprint” has been the hot jargon of the decade. Everyone knows that carbon is bad. Do we all know what it is? No, probably not. But do we know it is bad? Yes. Anything with the word “carb” in it HAS to be bad, right? Right.
Here are 5 ways to reduce your own carbon or “ecological” footprint and stop being such a human glob of polluting scum:
*Tip* Complain loudly of how outraged you are…it works!
Driving is bad. Driving cars; bad. Driving trucks; worse. Driving your private jet; terrible! If you want to get around and not KILL THE ENVIRONMENT, try biking. Wait, no, scratch that. Biking promotes the production of steel, rubber, and a whole multitude of other earth-poisoning materials. Don’t bike. Try…walking? But not in shoes, unless they are not from man-made materials. So plastic is out. Leather is okay! Unless an animal was BRUTALLY MURDERED, you heartless psychopath! But if the animal say, died of natural causes after a long and happy life, and gave you express written consent to use its lifeless corpse as fabric for your shoes, then go ahead.
2. Using Light.
Are you sitting in a well-lit room? What are you doing??? Turn off those lights, you monster! Are you reading this from a lit computer screen? Turn off your computer! Turn off everything, actually. Just unplug it all. Open all your windows and embrace the sun (unless it’s night time, in which case you’re screwed)! Worship and praise the sun! Run naked through the streets!
3. Eating Food.
Did you know that an estimated 13% of greenhouse gas emissions result in the production and transport of food??? Put down that sandwich now! Don’t even get me started on meat and farming. Basically eating any meat or dairy product is the same as stabbing the heart of the planet with a sharp 4-pronged fork. Growing your own food is better, but every time you eat you are going to defecate, which also contributes carbon emissions…so it’s best to avoid the whole thing entirely.
4. Buying Things.
This one is especially important. New things are the devil’s work. Luckily, you can make use out of everything you already have if you get a little creative. That old pop bottle? Now it’s a home for your pet cockroach! That sweater your baby outgrew? Now it’s a small bed for the rats in your basement! Those toenail clippings and dead skin? Now it’s organic glitter for your Christmas cards!
Over the past 40 years, the population of the planet has nearly doubled! This means that millions of people are now “extras”, and contributing needless amounts of harmful CO2 and poisoning the environment. Simple human respiration does this! Try breathing less, to lower your impact, or holding your breath for as long as you can. Did you pass out? Good. Now next time, longer.