How to Not Be Basic

Being happy is basic.
Being happy is so basic.

So you’re basic, huh? Of course you are. Look at you, probably reading this on your MacBook right now, aren’t you? Or if not a Mac, then some other well-known PC brand with a proven positive reputation? So basic. Did you drink Starbucks or a beverage from another convenient location today? How pathetic. Clearly you are basic, and therefore an uninspired or interesting person.

“The only thing worse than enjoying enjoyable things, is spreading that enjoyment around.”

Want to differ yourself? Of course you do. If you want to distance yourself from such basic banalities, it is important that you reject and even scorn all that is inherently likable.

Thus, we present a few essential tips:

  1. Don’t enjoy things. Receiving pleasure from widely-agreed upon pleasant things is basic. A hearty, home-cooked meal? Basic. The twinkle in your newborn cousin’s eye as he laughs for the first time? Basic. The majestic beauty that is nature? So basic.
  2. Don’t capture these wonderful moments, don’t even recognize them. DEFINITELY don’t share them with your friends and family on social media…because the only thing worse than enjoying enjoyable things, is spreading that enjoyment around. The worst.
  3. If you were unlucky enough to be born or raised alongside a number of other similarly privileged people, you have no-doubt been exposed to the basic need for consumerism. Exchanging money for goods and services is the very core of being basic, and therefore should be avoided at all costs. Show the world how un-basic and special you are by talking to anyone who will listen (or even if they won’t) about boycotting chain stores, or at least scoff and complain loudly while you shop at them.
  4. Appearance. This one is tricky, because the key to an un-basic appearance is a deliberately differing yourself from the pack, whilst simultaneously looking as though your uniqueness is not deliberate. Make sure you set aside enough time to put a lot of thought into picking out the perfect look that tells people “This look had no thought or time put into it”.

Basic people are everywhere nowadays, and are the epitome of everything that is generally aspired to. They live happy, average lives that people in many parts of the world would die for. They show little concern for intentionally setting themselves apart, demonstrating their deep-seated, dare we say “human” desire for community.

To avoid being basic, you must disregard anything remotely popular, therefore distinguishing yourself as one who possesses a higher level of taste…while also not showing any regard for doing so…

Because there is NOTHING more basic than trying not be basic.


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